You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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