I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
