So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
