hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
