how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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