the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
