So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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