my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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