Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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