Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
