I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
