I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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