well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
