Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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