My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Randomize
