my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
