My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
