Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
