he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
apparently the secret to your success is patron
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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