You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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