I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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