I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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