I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
