does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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