Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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