And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
