guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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