Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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