Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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