I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
