I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
