I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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