Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Welp...herpes.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
