I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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