i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
