I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
