This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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