If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
