Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
