I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
