I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
