did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
