Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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