Your dad touched me again.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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