my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
