You're a womanizer and a bitch.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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