I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
