the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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