Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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