Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
