my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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