my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
